I’m the kind of person who tries hard to be fair in the way I treat other people. But other people don’t always give me credit for that. In fact, there have been many times when I thought I was bending over backward to be fair, but the other person seemed to think I wasn’t being fair at all!
That used to frustrate me no end until I began to realize how easy it is for me to unintentionally treat others unfairly because of my own hidden selfishness.
One thing that helped me understand how deeply ingrained my selfishness is was when I took an honest look at the way I was driving.
Portrait of a Selfish Driver
In my city, there’s a particular on-ramp to the expressway where two lanes merge into one. I can’t count the number of times I’ve approached that merge point in the left lane, just about even with a car in the right lane. One of us was going to get into that single merged lane ahead of the other — and I was determined it was going to be me!
In fact, I developed a technique for this. When I reached the point where the lanes merge, if I was ahead — even by just by a nose — I would ignore the other driver and push the accelerator to the floor. At that point, he (and it’s always been a he) had to either deliberately run into my car, or back off. And, so far, they’ve always backed off, although I’ve many times seen them in the rear view mirror mouthing words and making gestures I would never repeat.
I Just Want to Win!
If my description of this oft-repeated scenario makes it seem like I enjoy beating out other drivers this way, I have to plead guilty. I always have a little feeling of triumph when the other guy has to fall in line behind rather than ahead of me.
Let me be clear:
That kind of driving isn’t right!
It’s a provocative and dangerous way to drive. That’s why I made the commitment to stop acting that way. And, in fact, I haven’t done it for a long time now.
But that little feeling of joy and exhilaration I experienced when I got ahead of another driver showed me something about myself:
I am a selfish person!
As much as I’d like to deny it (and I would), it’s simply a fact. I’m selfish. My desire to always beat out the other guy proves it.
We’re All Born Selfish
I was born selfish — but then, so were you. My only consolation about the discovery of my own selfishness is that it’s not unique to me. It is, in fact, part of the human condition. It’s a trait we all share from birth.
The problem is that, as a Christian, I know very well that selfishness and a me-first attitude are the very opposite of what God wants me to display in my life. Look, for example, at this admonition from the apostle Paul in the New Testament:
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. (Philippians 2:3, NIV)
In the original Greek of the New Testament, the word translated “selfish ambition” is eritheia, which combines the ideas of being ambitious for selfish ends and pursuing those ambitions with strife or contention.
In other words, it’s racing to get ahead of another driver just to have the pleasure of beating him out.
We Often Fail to See Our Own Selfishness
How easy it is to fall into selfish ambition! We naturally see things from the perspective of how we ourselves are affected, and of course, we desire the best for ourselves. That’s why it’s easy for us to unconsciously prioritize what would seem to gratify our own desires.
The Bible warns us that we must be vigilant about the selfishness we can see so clearly in others, but which we often fail to recognize in ourselves.
I think that often the issue is not so much that we intend to act out of ambition or conceit, but that they are so ingrained in the way we see the world that we don’t recognize them for what they are even when they have us completely in their grip.
Even when I’m trying to be even-handed, it’s far too easy to unconsciously favor myself.
How Trying to be Fair Can Lead to Selfishness
I remember when a friend asked me to help out on his broadcast at a Christian radio station. We were going to mostly play music, with a little scriptural commentary mixed in. My friend was an aficionado of Southern Gospel music, while I liked Black Gospel. We decided to divide our playlist between the two.
I was feeling magnanimous that evening, so I programmed several songs I liked but that I thought the lovers of Southern Gospel in our audience would enjoy as well. In the back of my mind, I expected my friend to recognize that I was going out of my way to be more than fair. I certainly didn’t expect him to count those songs as part of my Black Gospel quota!
But that’s exactly what he did. What I thought was fair and even-handed, he saw as actually favoring myself — which it did.
So many times when I’ve thought I was being perfectly fair and just in my dealings with someone, it’s seemed to them that I was actually favoring my own interests. And usually, they’re right!
The fact is, if I act based on what I think is an even balance between my interests and the other person’s, I’m likely to unconsciously tilt toward myself.
That’s why to avoid being unfair to others, I have to sometimes be deliberately unfair to myself.
It’s Not Enough to Try to Be Fair!
I believe the apostle Paul understood this very well, and that’s why he didn’t stop with commanding us to “do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.” He knew that to overcome the inherent bias we have toward ourselves, we have to go beyond trying to be even-handed, and instead must consciously and deliberately put the other person ahead of ourselves.
That’s why it’s not just about being fair; it’s about being deliberately unfair, but to the other person’s benefit rather than our own.
It’s not about being fair; it’s about being deliberately unfair — to myself.
Who Takes the Cake?
I love cheesecake. I mean I really, really love cheesecake! So, when George and I arrive simultaneously at the dessert table during the church fellowship, and there’s only one piece of that wonderful cheesecake left, who gets it?
There are other desserts on the table that George could take, and since I love cheesecake so much, isn’t it only fair that I should get that last piece?
But because I’m learning the lesson of taming my selfishness by being unfair to myself, I decide to let George have the cheesecake. He, committed to the same principle of putting others ahead of self, tells me to take it. And while we stand there, each insisting that the other should take the cake, Mary comes up and grabs it!
Wait a minute — that’s not fair!
Right.
But think about it: now three people, and not just one, will enjoy that piece of cake—Mary by eating it, and George and I by giving it up to bless someone else. I think that’s a great outcome.
If we’re going to overcome our natural selfishness, we must sometimes be willing to be deliberately unfair to ourselves in order to bless someone else.
Further Reading:
- Bible Principles for Dealing With Criticism
- How To Deal With a Guilty Conscience the Bible Way
- How to Get Back Up When You’ve Messed Up
- How to Set Personal Boundaries to Resist Temptation
© 2023 Ronald E. Franklin
